Lately

This depression I've sunk into is shithouse.
I overhauled my life, nothing changed.
I thought I had my relationship sorted, but I'm left guessing most days.
Doctors tell me there's nothing wrong with me physically, despite all of my symptoms.
My finances are in dire straights, even after I've moved to a smaller and cheaper house.
My band is terrific, and its the only thing really working for me atm, although there are small peaks of hope on the horizon.
I need a change, something bigger, something drastic.
I don't want to feel like this any more.

Lately (recommendations)

I've been watching Mad Men lately, loving the differences between life in 1960 and life fifty years on.
I'm also madly in love with Christina Hendricks from her Firefly episodes some years back, so I'm very much enjoying watching her character development in this series.
The whole thing is fascinating, and gripping! I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

One of my dear friends who is my Go-To Music guy, the person. I ask when I want an opinion on all things industry, has asked me to do backup vocals on his next project for one of his bands, and I am so excited and honoured!! I have sung with them before, but never on any recordings, so I am going to work extra hard on just the right notes.
Also, I found out yesterday that The Darlings are playing with The Spitfires (a well-known Perth band, and one of my high school best friend's bands) and a touring band from Adelaide (where I spent my youth) at Ya Ya's next Thursday. Very exciting stuff for only our fifth gig!

We saw Tangled in 3D today, I swear I was just like a kid! Also highly recommended! Even if you're not a kid, you can always enjoy a great kids film, and this one was the best I've seen in a very long time, its up there with Meet The Robinsons, which is a brilliant film, see that one too, if you can.

Finally, my music tastes hve broadened. I've massively fallen in love with Passion Pit, despite my hardest attempts not to. It's probably the happiest music ever! I'm hoping they play it at Ya Ya's next week, being indie music and all!

Ciao for now.

Problems

I'm having a real hard time writing music atm.
Lyrics coming out my ears, sure, but music is swiftly becoming a problem.....

Not quite sure what to do about that. And the pressure is building.

angelloveowens@gmail.com has shared: Describe angellove in three words!

Three Words
Describe angellove in three words! Source: http
angelloveowens@gmail.com sent this using ShareThis.

New Years Eve

I want to document this because it's easily forgotten.
I do not want to spend another year feeling like this. Afraid all the time. It occurred to me that life goes on, no matter how I think or feel. I need to let go of caring so much about how others perceive me.
Technology got the best of me. I felt useless and clumsy, paranoid and childlike and afraid. Out of control. It made me feel like I was in second grade, unable to name things, incapable of description, wanting to connect but rendered entirely self-absorbed. Needing to make sense of things and terrified. So many childhood themes, but who would want to re-live such a horrible time?! Simple things ike cooking took all of my energy, trips to the bathroom were fraught with danger, the easiest things deluded me. And although there were a few funny moments, a lot of the time it felt like my heart was breaking. Attention span of a four year old, pretty colours and patterns everywhere that frightened me. Convinced of the meaningless of my existence, rambling often, and all the while trying to understand how anyone could accuse me of knowing and executing exactly what I was doing when I was so obviously out of any sembance of control.
And in the end, we washed it all away, got clean, and somehow made it to canning vale to say goodbye to our friend, and with forced conversation started to feel normal again.
I think it's going to take a little longer to feel 100%.
I need to remember what it felt like, so I can relate to my own child. I will speak more softly with her and stroke and cuddle her more often. Being a kid is scary business. Life as an adult is easy work comparatively. At least most things make sense, are understandable, controllable.
I also need to remember so that when I go back to therapy, I will not be so scared. The unknown is worse.

New Years Resolutions 2011

Considering making some of these.
Not sure how to go about phrasing them.

Definitely something about more blogging/less social networking.

Sort life out. This includes finances, debts, and not taking out any more loans, not even borrowing a tenner.

Get rid of Inara cat. Keep Kaylee cat.

Get small part-time job somewhere doing something moderately interesting for short periods of time. Make sure not to overdo it ;)

Get rid of all negative ppl. This includes me. Get positive.

Do lots of band stuff. Make things. Release these things. Make more things.

Get body back in working order. Find out if its diabetes and fix.

Love lots, cry less, learn to enjoy quiet, laugh the loudest and the longest.

Find cure for aids, instill world peace, and learn to meditate.

And daring to dream, I want a horsey ride, a hot air balloon trip, a tropical holiday, and nation-wide radio airplay.

Shouldn't be too hard...

Lucky

i'm really incredibly lucky, and i wanted to blog about why.

see, my life is quite stressful. i am under quite a bit of stress from day to day.

• i have a five year old who won't quit.

• i have a small amount of money deposited into my bank account every two weeks by the government and an ex husband who is not around to help raise said child. (this money does not make raising child any easier, just slightly cheaper for me.)

• i have an on-again/off-again boyfriend who regularly gets on my nerves, constituting a break-up every so often, resulting in the grim realization that my life is pretty shitty without him, and an amicable resolve of the conflict.

• i have a mother who is overly-involved with the ins and outs of my life, even though I am approaching 28 years on this planet and have kept myself alive for many of those years.

• i have a sister i adore but cannot relate to, nor she to me, ending up in some pretty confusing discussions/arguments which are only put aside by our mutual frustrations associated with our moderately overbearing mother.

• i have three friends i see on a semi-regular basis, one of whom lives next door to me, making me kind of unavoidable, and a bunch of friends i don't seem to see or hear from very often, bar the occasional unsocial socialization of "social networking".

• i have a backlog of vehicular fines, two family loans (don't try THAT one at home, kids!), the worst phone in history, a tiny one-bedroom apartment i share with two cats and aforementioned five year old (who gets the bedroom, while i sleep on the couch), and a history of anxiety/depression.

but i am lucky. and here's why.

• i have the loveliest five year old on the planet. she is caring and thoughtful and funny and helpful. she makes me laugh, and hugs me when i cry. (which i do often!)

• the small amount of money i have allows me to eat, keep a roof over my head, and go see awesome bands from time to time. it also means that doctors and buses are cheaper. (thanks, Centrelink!)

• i have the best man in the world, who doesn't need me to be his "girlfriend" to love me. no matter what's going on in either of our lives, we're there for each other, we love each other, we support each other, and we have better sex than anyone is having. (trust me.)

• my mum is there when i need her, and provides incredible services like short-term money lending, babysitting, and a shoulder to cry on. my sister provides the same. and there is never a doubt in my mind that they love me.

• and when my friends do come out of the woodwork from time to time, we have great catch-ups, and they say nice things about my band, and we laugh and hug and drink and are merry. they also allow me to practice my amateur psychology, which is always a hoot!

And I got to meet my hero once =)

i am lucky. and i am grateful.

<3

The Darlings Update

In my distaste for Android Keyboard (which always reminds me of "ant farm keyboard" and therefore becomes slightly less annoying and slightly more amusing in my head) I TOTALLY forgot to update about what happened after The Darlings debuted.
So here's the news/gossip/update:

We played a quiet open mic night to about 25 onlookers on the 2nd of December. A select few friends were invited, some were strangers, a good mix of both. No one left the room once we started playing. Not only did we hold their attention for half an hour, but there was head nodding and toe tapping! NOTHING makes a musician happier than seeing the audience enjoying themselves, let me tell you!
The word of the evening that was used to describe me (by an audience member) was CAPTIVATING.
Never in my life have I been called that!! That I'm aware of!

So a few days later, I see an ad wanting a band to open SCoRCHeRFeST ( www.scorcherfest.com.au ) boxing day at the Rosemount, at no cost to us, and 50 tix that we can sell to our friends and family, so I entered us, and we won! So we halved the ticket price and all proceeds are going towards our recording next March. Very exciting!

Yes we are officially booked in to Bergerk! Studios next march for recording. I want to do four songs if we have time, at least two. I plan to release two double A side singles by September next year, four songs to be played on the radio by the end of the year, and then record and release an LP. All of these will be available for purchase on thedarlings.bandcamp.com which is our online music store, unfortunately empty at the moment! But hopefully full of goodies by 2012.

I love my band. I look forward to filling you in next time! :-)

New Lyrics

I'm not anybody to you, but I'm someone to me
So just let it go, love, let it go
I might not have what it takes to make your scene
So I'll let it go, love, I'll let it go
I take no ownership and
I ain't gonna take your shit, no no

Look at you, spin-spinning round
Did I catch you off guard?
Big fish in a little pond
Am I making this hard for you?

I'm not who you think I am, or someone I'm not
So just give me time, love, give me time
I mightn't have the connections that you've got
So I'll take my time, love, I'll take my time
I'm not responsible and
I'm not that gullible, no no

Look at you, spin-spinning round
Did I catch you off guard?
Big fish in a little pond
Am I making this hard for you?

Whenever you'll be here
Wherever I go
You'll never be there
For me, I know
This place is just
So goddamned small
For you and I and all
So let it go, love, just let it go.

Look at you, spin-spinning round
Did I catch you off guard?
Big fish in a little pond
Am I making this hard?

I'm gonna watch you spinning round
'Cause I caught you off guard
Big fish in a little pond
Did I make life hard?

Perfect Once

Don't go to sleep just yet
I want to get there first
Lie here, broken
Being held together
One last time

Don't hold your breath just yet
I want to feel it first
Expel, inhale
Breathing in unison
This last time

I promised
I wouldn't
Tell them about us
But I can't keep my word,
Lover.

Please let my tears just fall
On your pillow
Catch them, taste them
Visions of the sea
In my head

Please let the past just be
Disappointment
Don't forget me
Or leave me for dead
In your head

I swore out loud
I wouldn't
Tell them about us
But you know I can't keep
My promises.

I won't tell a lie
Because there was a time
We were blissfully content
(Ergo my lament)

I know I told you
I wouldn't
Tell them about us
But I can't keep that promise,
Lover.

We were Perfect once.

It's Been A Little While...

yes indeed it has.
writing on a teeny tiny android keyboard is not the most efficient way to get your message across, admittedly.

a lot has been going on...
i've started my new band, The Darlings.
we had our first rehearsal on October 20, and became a four-piece on the 13th of November.
we are VERY new, but have some great songs, and I've been working incredibly hard to get us off the ground.
obsessively, you might say.

what a good lookin' group o' cats we turned out to be!

you've got chris, then andy, then me, then scott. photo taken by Chiara Adams @ doublethinkdesign.com.au TALENTED and BEAUTIFUL woman that she is.

we have our first gig at an open mic night next week, testing the waters, so to speak.

wish us luck!!

i shall write more when i'm not falling asleep.

wedding flowers ?



lilac anastasia crysanthemums



joey fern greenery



winter purple double lisianthus







gold strike rose



Catch Up

So after a little break from blogging, it's time to play catch up. Lots has happened in the last two weeks, it seems to have flown by!
I'm still not smoking, nor am I craving cigarettes, either! I'm really happy about it. It's also encouraged me to be active, which I'm loving! I go to the park most days, sometimes twice a day, to work out and play with Lily, sometimes V comes too, it's great. I'm hoping to lose weight from it, although my metabolism is so shot, it might take a little while to show.


Vaughn and I spent our first anniversary together, and got back together, which is good. There didn't seem any point to being broken up, since we still love each other and want to be together. I think we both finally realized that being together or apart doesn't solve anything, and that we can deal with whatever problems that come up together. I don't think he'll ever want to be with me 100%, and I guess that will have to be ok. I love him, and I'd rather have that than be with someone else just so I'd know they're 100% convinced. It's a strange state of affairs, but he brings out the best in me, and I don't want anyone else.


My sister's wedding is in three weeks, and despite my current views on the topic (which are jaded due to my own divorce, and will likely change in time) I'm really happy for her! She has a lovely husband-to-be, and I know they'll be very happy when it's done and dusted. Despite the simplicity of their wedding plans, it's been very stressful for her, with our mum having gone overboard beyond belief in her demands and insistences. I'm just hoping they can enjoy their day, so I'm going to be doing the mum-wrangling for the day. I also get to do the centrepieces for the reception tables, so that's pretty exciting! Pics up after the wedding!


Well, that's enough for now. More soon, I promise. Included is a pic of my new haircut, and a pic pf some pretty rad make-up I did last weekend.
:-)

Quitting Smoking Is Fun

Don't everyone hate me for that title, but it's true. The Easyway method by Alan Carr has made it enjoyable beyond measure!

I've been a pack-a-day smoker for the better (or worse) part of ten years, more usually. Champion Ruby rollies. I was hooked but good. And yet I've now gone three days without so much as a puff, with almost no cravings at all!

See, when you put so much stock in the cigarettes and what you think they're giving you, and you quit for whatever reason, you feel deprived, like you're missing out, like you're giving something up.

But knowing that nicotine is the cause of the problem, not the solution, has made it feel like what it truly was: slavery from addiction!

Nicotine does not aide my stress/boredom/relaxation/concentration, I am creating the need for nicotine by smoking the previous cigarette, and when i light another to relieve my withdrawal pangs, iteaves me free to focus on whatever task is at hand. By removing nicotine from my system, my body will no longer crave it. Not only will lighting up do nothing for me, but it will be putting nicotine back into my system to start the process all over again.

There is no "just one cigarette", just like one drink for an alcoholic. That's it for me. I don't want to waste my life away hating the fact that I smoke and feeling deprived when I can't light up. Non-smokers don't crave nicotine. I didn't need cigarettes ten years ago to enjoy myself or have confidence or to concentrate. And I don't needd them now.

I am free, and loving how it feels!
Everyone talks about how hard quitting smoking is, but when it's this fun, it's not hard at all!

:-)

Pressing Buttons

My former seems to have a button inside him which, when pressed, cuts off all emotional connection at that time.

Wish I knew where it was, so I could avoid pressing it.

And had a massive scream at mum today for being emotionally manipulative.

I also quit smoking today.

? (Lyrics)

You say I bring out the best in you
Why won't you give it to me?
Don't you want to?

You tell me that you love me
You know I love you too
How hard can it be?

I can feel the winds of change
Blowing through my mind
And I find
There's something lingering

How long will you make me wait for you?
How strong do I have to be to pull through?

You say that we're meant to be
Just not right now
Just not right here

And I tell you, tell you, I'm not going anywhere
What do I have to do?
How much should I care?

I can feel the breezes
Kiss my cheek
And I think
There's gotta be more to this.

How long will you make me wait for you?
How strong do I have to be to pull through?

What do I have to say? Who should I listen to?
Don't wanna count the days. When will I be with you?

Honestly I'm willing to give you anything.
Please tell me how much to this table you can bring.
We could be so happy from now on
If you'd just hear this song.

How long will you make me wait for you?
How strong do I have to be to pull through?

Vegan Breakfast Muffins

Following up my vegan cupcakes is the breakfast muffin.

BEHOLD! It is a mixed berry/nut muffin containing no eggs or milk, using wholemeal flour and cane sugar.

Yum yum yum yum yum.

The Weekend

Having a great weekend in bed with V. Despite being broken up, things are still the same between us, and it's awesome to get back to basics.

Lots of laughter, plenty of sexy times, and Breaking Bad season two = happy me.

As to the friends I've seemingly lost, who are playing on my mind and infiltrating my dreams, Fuck You. Your loss.

TWITTER (Lyrics)

There are some things in life I'll never have
Like getting all of that wasted time back
Like having my favourite rockstar fall in love with me
But as for having you, well, we'll see.

There's six whole years I wasted on a husband
I coulda spent those years playing in a rock band.
Like all the parts of me I had that now are long gone
They pulled those teeth, but they didn't take my wisdom.

Regret is something I don't cling to
Respect is something I aspire to
Kismet is something I look forward to
Kisses are all I want from you.

So, what about the fantasy of living?
I know that I'll get back what I've been giving.
Like unabashed, unashamed, unconditional love

Oh, the fast cars all pass me by
And all those private planes, they fly so high
All the lavish treats, expensive feasts and penthouse suites
They're too much for me
But you're enough for me
This might be tough for me
A bit too much to tweet...

There are some things in life I'll never have
Like not having to wait for you to come back.

Making an Ass Out of You and Me

I'm getting a little tired of assumptions being made about me.
As a people lover, a "people person", it really shits me when people assume my intentions, or put their own spin on them, in a negative way.

Maybe I should just put this out there, into the ether, into the vast complexity of the world wide web:
I only ever have the best of intentions, and I do my utmost to never hurt my friends and loved ones, usually at the cost of my own happiness and well-being.

Ok, so I had a conversation with Steve about intentions today, and I happened to say, (I believe I'm quoting myself here,)
"I don't believe in intentions." *

Yes, intentions don't really matter when what you're saying or doing is ALWAYS being perceived - constantly being run through a mind that is very different from your own, and importance or emphasis is being placed accordingly by that person's brain, not yours. So whatever you're intending, it won't always be perceived the way you want it to.

But the rest of it stands. I am forever concerned about not hurting anyone, and assuming that I am an immoral or hurtful person is one of the most painful things I could go through.
When you try your best to show people your heart, and they assume you're trying to dupe them, how can you not take that personally? How can you,in turn, not be hurt?

I don't know how to stop taking this shit personally.

*Incidentally, I got some very strange looks in the shops yesterday when I told Lily "I don't believe in bread."