New Years Eve

I want to document this because it's easily forgotten.
I do not want to spend another year feeling like this. Afraid all the time. It occurred to me that life goes on, no matter how I think or feel. I need to let go of caring so much about how others perceive me.
Technology got the best of me. I felt useless and clumsy, paranoid and childlike and afraid. Out of control. It made me feel like I was in second grade, unable to name things, incapable of description, wanting to connect but rendered entirely self-absorbed. Needing to make sense of things and terrified. So many childhood themes, but who would want to re-live such a horrible time?! Simple things ike cooking took all of my energy, trips to the bathroom were fraught with danger, the easiest things deluded me. And although there were a few funny moments, a lot of the time it felt like my heart was breaking. Attention span of a four year old, pretty colours and patterns everywhere that frightened me. Convinced of the meaningless of my existence, rambling often, and all the while trying to understand how anyone could accuse me of knowing and executing exactly what I was doing when I was so obviously out of any sembance of control.
And in the end, we washed it all away, got clean, and somehow made it to canning vale to say goodbye to our friend, and with forced conversation started to feel normal again.
I think it's going to take a little longer to feel 100%.
I need to remember what it felt like, so I can relate to my own child. I will speak more softly with her and stroke and cuddle her more often. Being a kid is scary business. Life as an adult is easy work comparatively. At least most things make sense, are understandable, controllable.
I also need to remember so that when I go back to therapy, I will not be so scared. The unknown is worse.