The Break-up

I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you.

But I miss you so much, and Lily does too, and it hardly seems fair to take you away from her when she was never an agreeing member of the break-up.

I'm sleep deprived and mocha wired, this insomnia is killing me, and I wonder if this is how you've felt all this time.

I promised myself I wouldn't see you or contact you when you walked out that door, but everything that happens to me I've always shared with you, and it's become increasingly difficult to put down the phone when something that I'd normally tell you about occurs. I feel weak. I feel lost.

I wonder all the time if things are getting better for you. I find myself guessing how much time you'll take. Wondering if you'll do what it takes to find your way back to me, or if you'll just let it slip away to nothing.

I need sleep.
I need you.

AROUND TOWN (lyrics)

I say, those boots look a little out of place.
My my, don't you talk like it's a race?
Hey, you, you're tryin' so hard, more'n anyone.
Yeah, you, you're tryin' so hard, but are you havin' fun?

Won't somebody tell him he's not a cowboy?!
I hear, if shaken, he's more like a kid's toy.
I don't wanna hear another word.
Have you heard? You're absurd.
Take your hat off, climb down off your high horse
That's the word
Around town.

Indeed, you got your guitar slung all permanent.
And how, you talk your talk like you're sure of it.
Mister, you're lookin' like you in a rodeo.
Yes sir, you're lookin' like you don't know where to go.

Won't somebody tell him he's not a cowboy?!
Don't mistake him for a Dude Ranch FBI decoy.
I don't wanna hear another word,
Have you heard? You're absurd.
Pack your ranch up, quit your line dance class
That's the word
Around town.

Don't you know, anywhere you
You be causin' confusion?
You got the look down-pat, and the way you act
But it's all an illusion
In your head.

Won't somebody tell him he's not a cowboy?!
All tressed up like a man, but he's just a little boy.
You're livin' in the big smoke
Actin' yoke, going broke.
Take your hat off, climb down off your high
You're a joke.

COME BACK (lyrics)

Where did everybody go?
Y'all were here before
Now there's room to park a bus
On my living room floor.
One by one
And two by two
You've left me all alone
And I don't know what to do
With myself.

"Take a pottery class."
I'm no good with my hands unless I'm touching.
"Learn to garden."
I don't know how to plant, there's too much fussing.
Where did you go?
Will I ever know?

Won't you all come back?
I'm sitting by myself
Like a chocolate birthday cake
That's been left up on the shelf
I'm growing old
I'm getting stale
I'll end up in the trash
If I don't learn how to chill
With myself.

"Take time out for you."
I've got too much on, and not enough time.
"Take up fishing."
I'll get my high heels caught in the line.
Where did you go?
I deserve to know.

All I try to be is a good friend
On whom you can depend.
All I wanna know is
Where'd you go?!

"Write that novel."
No one wants to read about despair.
"Go to college."
Wouldn't know what to do once I got there.
"Be spontaneous."
I don't have courage without my friends.
"Learn to live with it."
Won't you please come back again?

Where did you go?
And why'd you hurt me so?

Making Moosik

I need a new band. I don't want to leave my current one, I just need more...

It's already a tough industry to get into, but Perth is especially, partly because it's so isolated.

I had 8 years off, 8 years out of the industry, who knows what I could have achieved in that time?! And although Debbie Harry made it at 30, but it really feels like I'm running out of time.

Maybe this is what a ticking biological clock feels like...

On Love And Loss

So many things going through my head. Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year. This relationship has been the most passionate, enriching, comfortable, joyous partnership I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of. I know I'm going to miss it terribly.

Knowing who Vaughn is very early on prepared me for the possibility of things going awry, but being the incredible romance optimist I am, I think I thought that love could conquer all, and overcome all obstacles. In my heart of hearts, I think I still do.

The two of us have both been through heartbreak before, mine a little more recently than Vaughn's. And we both knew the risk we were taking when we fell in love. The possibility of being hurt was in the forefront of our minds when we took that risk, and still we agreed that being together was worth it.

Now I find myself without him, after weeks of trying to find ways around his sudden loss of passion and feeling for everything in his life, including me. Love isn't the issue here. Anyone who has ever seen us together can tell that we adore each other. But his words to me spoke very clearly that something had to be done.

"I desperately want to be able to show you the love and intimacy you're so easily able to show me," he said, "I know it's there, but I just can't find it in me. And that's not fair on you. I'm going to find the strength I need, and then I'll be back."

I hope that's all it will take, but even that is going to be difficult for him. Vaughn, as I have known him, is a man with great strength of character. He sees deeper into people than most, cares a great deal about those with whom he allows himself to get close, and goes to unusual lengths in order to show his affection. He is more than kind - there isn't a nasty bone in his body. He is generous, giving, loyal and thoughtful. He has well-thought-out opinions, and may openly disagree with you, but will never turn it into an argument. He is sweet and funny and easy-going. He truly is the most amazing, beautiful man I have ever known.

He has also spent a lot of his adult life avoiding relationships. This, combined with a general tendency to spend much of his time alone, has meant that being in a long-term relationship has brought him very far out of his comfort zone. And regardless of what being with me has given him, I think it's really taken its toll on him.

While I was listening to the pain he was in over feeling totally inadequate, two things were going through my mind:
*You have the strength to hold this together for the both of you, Angel
and
*Just let me go

I really believe that the second choice was the healthiest. If what we have is strong, time will not break it, nor erode it, nor extinguish it. But to be half of a partnership, you need to be all of yourself, whole, self-sufficient. To be able to give to another, you must have met your own needs first.

So, loving him more deeply than I have ever loved another, I have let him go. My deepest hope is that he'll find himself, and find his way back to me.

I hope.

My God, How I Love You

Every beat of my heart, i miss you.

Every fibre of my being craves you.

Each tear cried over you tastes like despair.

All my thoughts contain you.

My every waking moment is now consumed with desperate hope for your return.

I miss you. I love you. I am yours.