New Years Eve

I want to document this because it's easily forgotten.
I do not want to spend another year feeling like this. Afraid all the time. It occurred to me that life goes on, no matter how I think or feel. I need to let go of caring so much about how others perceive me.
Technology got the best of me. I felt useless and clumsy, paranoid and childlike and afraid. Out of control. It made me feel like I was in second grade, unable to name things, incapable of description, wanting to connect but rendered entirely self-absorbed. Needing to make sense of things and terrified. So many childhood themes, but who would want to re-live such a horrible time?! Simple things ike cooking took all of my energy, trips to the bathroom were fraught with danger, the easiest things deluded me. And although there were a few funny moments, a lot of the time it felt like my heart was breaking. Attention span of a four year old, pretty colours and patterns everywhere that frightened me. Convinced of the meaningless of my existence, rambling often, and all the while trying to understand how anyone could accuse me of knowing and executing exactly what I was doing when I was so obviously out of any sembance of control.
And in the end, we washed it all away, got clean, and somehow made it to canning vale to say goodbye to our friend, and with forced conversation started to feel normal again.
I think it's going to take a little longer to feel 100%.
I need to remember what it felt like, so I can relate to my own child. I will speak more softly with her and stroke and cuddle her more often. Being a kid is scary business. Life as an adult is easy work comparatively. At least most things make sense, are understandable, controllable.
I also need to remember so that when I go back to therapy, I will not be so scared. The unknown is worse.

New Years Resolutions 2011

Considering making some of these.
Not sure how to go about phrasing them.

Definitely something about more blogging/less social networking.

Sort life out. This includes finances, debts, and not taking out any more loans, not even borrowing a tenner.

Get rid of Inara cat. Keep Kaylee cat.

Get small part-time job somewhere doing something moderately interesting for short periods of time. Make sure not to overdo it ;)

Get rid of all negative ppl. This includes me. Get positive.

Do lots of band stuff. Make things. Release these things. Make more things.

Get body back in working order. Find out if its diabetes and fix.

Love lots, cry less, learn to enjoy quiet, laugh the loudest and the longest.

Find cure for aids, instill world peace, and learn to meditate.

And daring to dream, I want a horsey ride, a hot air balloon trip, a tropical holiday, and nation-wide radio airplay.

Shouldn't be too hard...

Lucky

i'm really incredibly lucky, and i wanted to blog about why.

see, my life is quite stressful. i am under quite a bit of stress from day to day.

• i have a five year old who won't quit.

• i have a small amount of money deposited into my bank account every two weeks by the government and an ex husband who is not around to help raise said child. (this money does not make raising child any easier, just slightly cheaper for me.)

• i have an on-again/off-again boyfriend who regularly gets on my nerves, constituting a break-up every so often, resulting in the grim realization that my life is pretty shitty without him, and an amicable resolve of the conflict.

• i have a mother who is overly-involved with the ins and outs of my life, even though I am approaching 28 years on this planet and have kept myself alive for many of those years.

• i have a sister i adore but cannot relate to, nor she to me, ending up in some pretty confusing discussions/arguments which are only put aside by our mutual frustrations associated with our moderately overbearing mother.

• i have three friends i see on a semi-regular basis, one of whom lives next door to me, making me kind of unavoidable, and a bunch of friends i don't seem to see or hear from very often, bar the occasional unsocial socialization of "social networking".

• i have a backlog of vehicular fines, two family loans (don't try THAT one at home, kids!), the worst phone in history, a tiny one-bedroom apartment i share with two cats and aforementioned five year old (who gets the bedroom, while i sleep on the couch), and a history of anxiety/depression.

but i am lucky. and here's why.

• i have the loveliest five year old on the planet. she is caring and thoughtful and funny and helpful. she makes me laugh, and hugs me when i cry. (which i do often!)

• the small amount of money i have allows me to eat, keep a roof over my head, and go see awesome bands from time to time. it also means that doctors and buses are cheaper. (thanks, Centrelink!)

• i have the best man in the world, who doesn't need me to be his "girlfriend" to love me. no matter what's going on in either of our lives, we're there for each other, we love each other, we support each other, and we have better sex than anyone is having. (trust me.)

• my mum is there when i need her, and provides incredible services like short-term money lending, babysitting, and a shoulder to cry on. my sister provides the same. and there is never a doubt in my mind that they love me.

• and when my friends do come out of the woodwork from time to time, we have great catch-ups, and they say nice things about my band, and we laugh and hug and drink and are merry. they also allow me to practice my amateur psychology, which is always a hoot!

And I got to meet my hero once =)

i am lucky. and i am grateful.

<3