Perfect Once

Don't go to sleep just yet
I want to get there first
Lie here, broken
Being held together
One last time

Don't hold your breath just yet
I want to feel it first
Expel, inhale
Breathing in unison
This last time

I promised
I wouldn't
Tell them about us
But I can't keep my word,
Lover.

Please let my tears just fall
On your pillow
Catch them, taste them
Visions of the sea
In my head

Please let the past just be
Disappointment
Don't forget me
Or leave me for dead
In your head

I swore out loud
I wouldn't
Tell them about us
But you know I can't keep
My promises.

I won't tell a lie
Because there was a time
We were blissfully content
(Ergo my lament)

I know I told you
I wouldn't
Tell them about us
But I can't keep that promise,
Lover.

We were Perfect once.

It's Been A Little While...

yes indeed it has.
writing on a teeny tiny android keyboard is not the most efficient way to get your message across, admittedly.

a lot has been going on...
i've started my new band, The Darlings.
we had our first rehearsal on October 20, and became a four-piece on the 13th of November.
we are VERY new, but have some great songs, and I've been working incredibly hard to get us off the ground.
obsessively, you might say.

what a good lookin' group o' cats we turned out to be!

you've got chris, then andy, then me, then scott. photo taken by Chiara Adams @ doublethinkdesign.com.au TALENTED and BEAUTIFUL woman that she is.

we have our first gig at an open mic night next week, testing the waters, so to speak.

wish us luck!!

i shall write more when i'm not falling asleep.

wedding flowers ?



lilac anastasia crysanthemums



joey fern greenery



winter purple double lisianthus







gold strike rose



Catch Up

So after a little break from blogging, it's time to play catch up. Lots has happened in the last two weeks, it seems to have flown by!
I'm still not smoking, nor am I craving cigarettes, either! I'm really happy about it. It's also encouraged me to be active, which I'm loving! I go to the park most days, sometimes twice a day, to work out and play with Lily, sometimes V comes too, it's great. I'm hoping to lose weight from it, although my metabolism is so shot, it might take a little while to show.


Vaughn and I spent our first anniversary together, and got back together, which is good. There didn't seem any point to being broken up, since we still love each other and want to be together. I think we both finally realized that being together or apart doesn't solve anything, and that we can deal with whatever problems that come up together. I don't think he'll ever want to be with me 100%, and I guess that will have to be ok. I love him, and I'd rather have that than be with someone else just so I'd know they're 100% convinced. It's a strange state of affairs, but he brings out the best in me, and I don't want anyone else.


My sister's wedding is in three weeks, and despite my current views on the topic (which are jaded due to my own divorce, and will likely change in time) I'm really happy for her! She has a lovely husband-to-be, and I know they'll be very happy when it's done and dusted. Despite the simplicity of their wedding plans, it's been very stressful for her, with our mum having gone overboard beyond belief in her demands and insistences. I'm just hoping they can enjoy their day, so I'm going to be doing the mum-wrangling for the day. I also get to do the centrepieces for the reception tables, so that's pretty exciting! Pics up after the wedding!


Well, that's enough for now. More soon, I promise. Included is a pic of my new haircut, and a pic pf some pretty rad make-up I did last weekend.
:-)

Quitting Smoking Is Fun

Don't everyone hate me for that title, but it's true. The Easyway method by Alan Carr has made it enjoyable beyond measure!

I've been a pack-a-day smoker for the better (or worse) part of ten years, more usually. Champion Ruby rollies. I was hooked but good. And yet I've now gone three days without so much as a puff, with almost no cravings at all!

See, when you put so much stock in the cigarettes and what you think they're giving you, and you quit for whatever reason, you feel deprived, like you're missing out, like you're giving something up.

But knowing that nicotine is the cause of the problem, not the solution, has made it feel like what it truly was: slavery from addiction!

Nicotine does not aide my stress/boredom/relaxation/concentration, I am creating the need for nicotine by smoking the previous cigarette, and when i light another to relieve my withdrawal pangs, iteaves me free to focus on whatever task is at hand. By removing nicotine from my system, my body will no longer crave it. Not only will lighting up do nothing for me, but it will be putting nicotine back into my system to start the process all over again.

There is no "just one cigarette", just like one drink for an alcoholic. That's it for me. I don't want to waste my life away hating the fact that I smoke and feeling deprived when I can't light up. Non-smokers don't crave nicotine. I didn't need cigarettes ten years ago to enjoy myself or have confidence or to concentrate. And I don't needd them now.

I am free, and loving how it feels!
Everyone talks about how hard quitting smoking is, but when it's this fun, it's not hard at all!

:-)

Pressing Buttons

My former seems to have a button inside him which, when pressed, cuts off all emotional connection at that time.

Wish I knew where it was, so I could avoid pressing it.

And had a massive scream at mum today for being emotionally manipulative.

I also quit smoking today.

? (Lyrics)

You say I bring out the best in you
Why won't you give it to me?
Don't you want to?

You tell me that you love me
You know I love you too
How hard can it be?

I can feel the winds of change
Blowing through my mind
And I find
There's something lingering

How long will you make me wait for you?
How strong do I have to be to pull through?

You say that we're meant to be
Just not right now
Just not right here

And I tell you, tell you, I'm not going anywhere
What do I have to do?
How much should I care?

I can feel the breezes
Kiss my cheek
And I think
There's gotta be more to this.

How long will you make me wait for you?
How strong do I have to be to pull through?

What do I have to say? Who should I listen to?
Don't wanna count the days. When will I be with you?

Honestly I'm willing to give you anything.
Please tell me how much to this table you can bring.
We could be so happy from now on
If you'd just hear this song.

How long will you make me wait for you?
How strong do I have to be to pull through?

Vegan Breakfast Muffins

Following up my vegan cupcakes is the breakfast muffin.

BEHOLD! It is a mixed berry/nut muffin containing no eggs or milk, using wholemeal flour and cane sugar.

Yum yum yum yum yum.

The Weekend

Having a great weekend in bed with V. Despite being broken up, things are still the same between us, and it's awesome to get back to basics.

Lots of laughter, plenty of sexy times, and Breaking Bad season two = happy me.

As to the friends I've seemingly lost, who are playing on my mind and infiltrating my dreams, Fuck You. Your loss.

TWITTER (Lyrics)

There are some things in life I'll never have
Like getting all of that wasted time back
Like having my favourite rockstar fall in love with me
But as for having you, well, we'll see.

There's six whole years I wasted on a husband
I coulda spent those years playing in a rock band.
Like all the parts of me I had that now are long gone
They pulled those teeth, but they didn't take my wisdom.

Regret is something I don't cling to
Respect is something I aspire to
Kismet is something I look forward to
Kisses are all I want from you.

So, what about the fantasy of living?
I know that I'll get back what I've been giving.
Like unabashed, unashamed, unconditional love

Oh, the fast cars all pass me by
And all those private planes, they fly so high
All the lavish treats, expensive feasts and penthouse suites
They're too much for me
But you're enough for me
This might be tough for me
A bit too much to tweet...

There are some things in life I'll never have
Like not having to wait for you to come back.

Making an Ass Out of You and Me

I'm getting a little tired of assumptions being made about me.
As a people lover, a "people person", it really shits me when people assume my intentions, or put their own spin on them, in a negative way.

Maybe I should just put this out there, into the ether, into the vast complexity of the world wide web:
I only ever have the best of intentions, and I do my utmost to never hurt my friends and loved ones, usually at the cost of my own happiness and well-being.

Ok, so I had a conversation with Steve about intentions today, and I happened to say, (I believe I'm quoting myself here,)
"I don't believe in intentions." *

Yes, intentions don't really matter when what you're saying or doing is ALWAYS being perceived - constantly being run through a mind that is very different from your own, and importance or emphasis is being placed accordingly by that person's brain, not yours. So whatever you're intending, it won't always be perceived the way you want it to.

But the rest of it stands. I am forever concerned about not hurting anyone, and assuming that I am an immoral or hurtful person is one of the most painful things I could go through.
When you try your best to show people your heart, and they assume you're trying to dupe them, how can you not take that personally? How can you,in turn, not be hurt?

I don't know how to stop taking this shit personally.

*Incidentally, I got some very strange looks in the shops yesterday when I told Lily "I don't believe in bread."

Going Vegan

This is a decision I made over a year ago, but I was thwarted by my addiction to milk, particularly iced mocha.
I am now taking control of said addiction.
A vegan lifestyle has always appealed to me, even as far back as high school. I've just always had trouble working out what I would eat. So I've taken the plunge anyway, into the deep end, and I figure, I can always find an apple or a carrot if I'm starving!
Hell, even McDonald's sells apples, and they're open 24/7!
SCORE!!!
So here's to my new lifestyle choice, and to so-good chocolate, which is getting me through the mocha cravings!

CUPCAKES

Here is a picture of the vegan cupcakes I made from scratch today.
You can definitely see how bleaching flour and sugar makes cakes prettier, but these ones are pretty yummy, and healthy too!

80's Prom Night Attacked By Zombies Party

Of course, blood is always the final touch, even if it did take almost a week to wash off my hands. (Damn this spot.)

And a photo with your make-up artist ends the process well, too, although 9 times out of 10 you will look better than she, even when you're dressed as the undead.

80's Prom Night Attacked By Zombies Party

The Final Result: Mel

80's Prom Night Attacked By Zombies Party

The Final Result: Heidi

80's Prom Night Attacked By Zombies Party

Mel's make-up.

80's Prom Night Attacked By Zombies Party

Heidi's make-up.

80's Prom Night Attacked By Zombies Party

The proshetics

Liquid latex and paper napkins. Ahh the joys of fx make-up.

Loneliness

It's been a while since my last blog. A fair amount has happened. I spent four days without small child while her dad was back in town. Normally I'd soak up that time with V, but with that no longer an option, I spent a good deal of time watching Will and Grace seasons 1 through 6. I did have one day of catching up with friends, which was lovely. Mostly through, I was just plain lonely.

My two girls next door have broken up, with Heidi going back to NSW tonight. It's very sad, not only because I'm losing a buddy to hang with, but for the two of them and what they're going through. Small child and I will miss her terribly.

I've been listening to Alice In Chains a lot. Reminds me of V, especially Nutshell, which played the first time we were together. He and I got together under the worst of circumstances, and yet we were somehow able to make something beautiful. I cry when I hear the song, but it's a good cry. Not so much sad as... reminiscent...

We did end up spending some quality time together last night, and he came for dinner tonight. My hope is strong, and after talking to his best friend Shaun, I know that my trust is not being wasted. He talked of looking for a new job, and my fingers and toes are crossed for him. I hope he can find something he can get excited about. Secretly I'm hoping for a job with better hours! 4am to 12.30pm seems too much to ask. Pastrychef or not.

My sleeping and eating patterns are returning to normal. Now I've got to focus on my weight.