Followers

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

High and Quiet

I've lost the ability to be angry anymore
And now I can't vocalise anything at all
The words all roll around upstairs
But the language isn't one that they understand

I think that's why I'm medicated
I think that's how I'll die...

High and quiet.

I've inflected my inner voice with an unfamiliar accent
So I won't pay it such attention
And all those things they thought I meant
Are just my clouded mind's invention

I think that's why I'm asphyxiating
And this is how I'll die...

High and quiet.

I'm off-kilter
Like a poorly folded coffee filter paper
And my saviour
Is one and the same.

I find myself fumbling on the bathroom floor
For the contact I lost with you
I'm sure it's here somewhere
But it's hard to see with all this inner blue.

There's the constant sound of a child downstairs
In my head
And she's turning on the television
And it's loud, and it's loud,
And it's hard to sleep through...

Monday, February 20, 2012

You (Plural)

I dream about you twice a week at least
Can't get you out, can't get you out, can't get you out.
It's a head fuck every time I wake up
It's not something I wanna talk about.

I got this feeling
It just won't quit
I can't get over it, or

You

I think about those times we shared a whole lot
Cant shut you out, can't shut you out, can't shut you out.
You're renting space in me you just won't pay for
It's not something you wanna talk about

I got this heartache
It just won't do
So tell me who are

You

Who are you to make this mess and walk away?
Who are you to punish me for something I just didn't
Do

You

There's nothing I can say
And this pain won't go away
I guess you're here to stay
Even though you're gone...

Friday, January 6, 2012

Just Like You

Yeah, she sat me down one day and said
"Don't you want more than this?"
She had a clipboard in her hand and a twin set
And I thought to myself, "Did I leave the iron on when I left this morning?"
Guess I need some help with my mindset.
I spend most of my days in nothing
And nothing's what I'll be
If I don't get outta me.

It's all talk talk talk
In my day-to-day living
Giving a chance to the hopes I've got
And the folks back home.
And I'm feeling fine
Most of the time
But then I talk talk talk
And I'm on my own again.

Yeah, she had that look on her face when she said
"Isn't this a little bit, kind of, exactly like it was the last time?"
And I replied with a gleam in my eye,
"Why yes, it certainly seems to be."
With the hamster wheel going round and round in my mind
I spend most of my days in silence
And silent's what I'll be
If I don't get outta me.

It's all talk talk talk
In my day-to-day living
Giving a chance to the hopes I've got
And the folks back home.
And I'm feeling fine
Most of the time
But then I talk talk talk
And I'm on my own again.

I don't know where
I am going
Alls I know is
I'm not showing
Half of what they
Told me I had
Back when things weren't
Quite so bad.
This is what they
Tell me to be
More like them and
A lot less like me
Yes I need help
To fix the damage
But I've taken all
I can manage

Yeah, she showed me to the room with all the others
And she said, "They're all just like you"...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

CEASEFIRE

Today, yes
Tomorrow, no
How far will this go?
If it's all too much
And not enough.

Will you?
Won't you?

I started something
I can't complete
Without you.
And it's too intense
For my defences.

Will you?
Won't you?

All's fair in love and war
Let's ceasefire
This pointless game.
What are we fighting for?
Please cease fire
Or take your aim.

Judging on what you've given
I've asked too much

Will you?
Won't you?

Do you want to?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Back To School

I forgot how cool dumb was...

Somebody get me outta here
I got the shakes, I've come out in hives
I'm super serial
You gotta rescue me before they eat me alive

My head just don't work that way
I don't remember that it ever did
When I was a kid

I'm going back back back to school
And I wanna die
I wanna go back back behind the metalwork shed and get high
It's not like it always was before
It's getting to be even more of a chore
And if I don't make the grade this time I can kiss my life goodbye.
Bye bye.

Somebody bring me a cigarette
I've got an itch that I just can't scratch
I'm not kidding around
If I don't escape I swear I'll poison the batch

My brain just can't handle the kind
Of moronic talk in this class
So kiss my ass

I've gone back back back to school
And I wanna die
All these idiot youth around me make me wanna cry
I swear I'm not trying to start a war
But teenagers these days are such a bore
I wish to god they'd wise up to their pointless, empty lives
Why why why...

Why you gotta talk above a hundred decibels?
Why you gotta make everyone's lives a living hell?
Why you gotta be so god damn ignorant?
Spouting shit all day from sources that you never checked.
Why the hell are you on Facebook fifty times a day?
Why do you give a damn what all those other people say?
Why can't you shut the fuck up when we're discussing shit?
You're going nowhere and you're gonna have to live with it.

I went back back back to school
And now i'm qualified
I wish i'd known what I know now back then
It might have changed my life
And you can call me a bitch or a whore
Because I really don't care anymore
You've gotta live with your pathetic self until the day you die.
That's right.

I forgot how cool dumb was...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

That Thing

Strange decisions
Clouding my vision
Melting slowly
You're reaching for me

And all this time, I thought I knew me
So who's this girl inside?

I.V. me.

Whisper softly
Deep inside me
Spinning, swirling
Twisting and turning

And if that thing we did was so wrong
How come it feels so right?

I.V. me


And the drugs don't stop their coursing
Long after the high runs out
And our veins won't stop pulsating
Long after we've sweat it out

And I feel so bad
For feeling good
I never knew you until this moment
And now, this moment's everything.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

OCCUPY WALL STREET

I just wrote this quite quickly.
It's not pulitzer prize winning stuff, but it sums up my feelings in song lyric form.

OCCUPY WALL STREET


What a time to be alive
In your man-made hell hole
Refugees in our own homes
Your greed has damned us all
And we've held our breaths and waited
Stayed silent for so long
We've covered our eyes, our ears, our mouths
But now we're switched on.
You can't pull the wool over every single eye
And we're goddamned sick and tired of standing by
And watching you try

Your money's no good here
And neither's any of ours

What a time to be born into
In your hand-crafted recession
And the state the world is in
Explains our mass depression
And we've held our hearts in our hands
And sewn our mouths shut tight
We've taken the bait, and we drank your poison
But we won't give up this fight
You can convince most people but
You can't convince them all
And as we watch our nations fall
We're heeding the call

Your money's no good here
And neither's any of ours

Bail us out
Don't fail us now

Erase the doubt or erase the debt
There's two ways this could bend
And one of those ways is going to save us
And the other signifies our end.

Your money's no good here
And neither's any of ours

Like a train wreck
You can't stop it
You can only minimise the casualties
Of your corporate greed.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Neverlove

He didn't know where I was going
But he didn't care
He said "I'll meet you there".
And I didn't know I'd arrived
Til he followed me
And he set me free.
If I had a compass
Or a destination
I'd find my way
Without hesitation
But I'm driving down
Life's highway
Minus twenty twenty.

He didn't know anything about me
But he gave himself
To no-one else.
And I didn't know I was the one
Til it was too late
No time to hesitate.
If I had a plan
Or a blueprint
I'd know what to do
And just do it.
But I'm navigating
My fate
And I'm full of shit.

(Chorus)
And I'll never love anyone again
The way I love you
And I'll give you my all forever
If you want me to
I've got all I need right here
And it's never been more clear
Now that we're through.

He hadn't had much luck
In what seemed like years,
And the normal fears.
But I showed him what I could
From that part of me
That was buried deep.
And if I'd had a map
Or a crystal ball
I'd have helped him out
But I'm no help at all.
I'm my own
Designated driver
Drunk on alcohol.

Chorus

I don't miss him
Cause he never left
We just changed the way we were.
I don't kiss him
Cause we're done with that
You don't ever have to wonder.

Chorus (quiet)
Chorus (loud)

And I'll never love anyone again
The way I love you
And I'll be all that you need
Just like you want me to.
I'll be your light within the dark
Never again divide my heart
I promise you.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

HEADLIGHTS

On a rainy day
On a cold september morning
I am waiting
It's fogging up
It's getting cloudy
And I am fading.
You are far away
And I've been led astray
By the distance

I get my coat
Pull my boots on
I start walking
I don't know just
Where I am headed
But my heart is aching.
And you won't know
That I've fallen
And I won't hear you calling

Because I'm gone
I'm too far gone
I'm so lost I can't see straight
I'm gone
And caught in the headlights
Of my mistakes

It's been a long time, been a long time
It feels like forever
And I've been waiting a while for the fever to return
It's been too long, too long
Too goddamn long
Time enough for the memories to burn.
I dont know anything for sure
And you aren't who I thought you were.

I'm gone
I'm too far gone
I'm so lost I can't see straight
I'm gone
And caught in the headlights
Of my mistakes

I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not who you think I am.

The day grows dark
The streets are empty
I am alone now
The sun has set
And will rise tomorrow
I'm on my own now.

Because I'm gone
I'm too far gone
I'm so lost I can't see straight
I'm gone
And caught in the headlights
Of my mistakes

I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not who you think I am.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

another

This is my blood
I'm gonna let it for you
And when it runs out
I'm gonna see it through.

I'm gonna need another
Lover
To put me together
I'm gonna need another
Love

This is my skin
I'm gonna cut it for you
And when i run out
I'm gonna need some glue.

I'm gonna need another
Lover
To put me together
I'm gonna need another
Love

This is my heart
I'm gonna break it for you
I'll rip it right out
I know you want me to.

I'm gonna need another
Lover
To put me together
I'm gonna need another
Lover
To put back the pieces
I'm gonna need another
Love

You made me do this.
Made me do this.
Made me do this.
Make me do this?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

new song, untitled as yet

We blissed out and missed out on your Captivating encore,
We were salivating at the thought of more.
We lucked out and fucked about and you sat back,
Enchanted as we one by one recanted our score.
And then, when we were done and dusted
We hadn't even used the strength we'd mustered
But we're still tired.

All your records got repeated on our dusty old-time players
While we awaited the cheque.
We took notes and asked the folks on all four sides of us
Just how they found your lack of etiquette.
And when the bill had been presented
We searched our pockets, but we turned out empty
And still so tired.

Where did you go? Where did you go?
We thought you'd left us behind.
Where did you go? How could we know?
We thought you'd lost your mind.

Some people say such awful things.
Some people take more than they bring.
And you were one of many.
If anything, the uncanny thing
Is your energy for baiting me.

Where did you go? Where did you go?
We thought you'd left us behind.
Where did you go? How could we know?
We thought you'd lost your mind.

We maxed out and packed out all your scintillating rock shows,
All capitulating better judgement.
Needing your approval is akin to the removal
Of our vital access to oxygen.
And when it came time to applaud
Our silence showed you we were all too bored
And goddamned tired.

Where did you go? Where did you go?
We see you've left us behind.
Where did you go? We miss you so.
We know you've lost your mind...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

An Open Letter to My Daughter

I have to open this letter with love.
I love you more than I could love anyone or anything in my whole life. You have been my redemption and my saviour, in ways you could never know, simply because you exist. I can never be grateful enough to you or for you. You keep my heart in your little hands.

My sister once gave me the only piece of advice she said i would ever need: "People are weird. Never expect otherwise." And whilst I have a few more insights of wisdom for you, they all pretty much tie back to this one little gem.

Keep learning. Always. Never stop. They say as soon as you stop learning, you stop living. You must always challenge your own opinions, and think for yourself. Some answers in life are static, and you should always strive to acquire as much general knowledge as you can, paying particular attention to language, spelling, punctuation and grammar. Language is important because it is the way we communicate with others. If you can learn even one other language, it can change your opportunities for the better. Most people like to put their heads in the sand where knowledge is involved, partly because they are comfortabe in ignorance, partly because there is a general fear and dislike of people who know more than they do. Don't buy into this. Knowledge is paramount to your growth, and that of those around you.

You will likely have inherited a high IQ (humerous self-plug there) , and that is useful only if you use your mind to think for yourself and learn to analyse things objectively. Studies have shown that overall, IQ does not lead to better jobs or a more fulfilling life. What DOES is your emotional IQ, and you will learn to develop this by hanging out with your Gran a lot. You should also use your time here to aquire virtues; Patience, Trustworthiness, Assertiveness, Detachment, Creativity, Reverence, Honesty, Peacefulness, all of the virtues will help you to develop emotionally and spiritually, which is even more important than your mental development.

Learn when to speak and when to listen. This is one of the most important lessons in dealing with people, which you'll be doing for the rest of your life. "No man is an island", and we are all inter-connected. There may be times when you might want to disconnect, out of fear or frustration or hurt, but the lesson is to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, who love and support you, and try to ignore those who truly don't have your best interests at heart.

When it comes to love, there will come a time when your heart gets broken. It probably doesn't help for me to tell you that it happens to all of us and that despite the pain, it does get better. So I'll say this instead: be kind to yourself, eat as much chocolate as you like, and surround yourself with platonic friends who will offer a shoulder to cry on without a hidden agenda. You are worthy of love, and you will find it again.

Follow your true passion, even if there isn't any money in it. Money doesn't buy happiness, and while it does pay the bills, your medical bills will increase if you are stuck in a job or a profession you hate. Science has proven this. Feed your soul, the rest will sort itsself out.

Don't let anyone's ego get in the way of your sucess, but do your best not to needlessly hurt people's feelings. What goes around sometimes comes around, but not always. The universe isn't fair, it just finds ways of balancing itsself out. You will be screwed over often, but you'll be able to live with yourself if you're kind to others. Don't let anyone walk all over you, either. You are your own, and answer only to yourself. If the answer isn't "yes", don't let anyone pressure you into saying it. If there's doubt, there is nothing wrong with saying no.

Treat your enemies as you would your friends. This annoys and confuses them, and they'll eventually change their tune or leave you alone. You will ALWAYS be the bigger person, and they'll hate that. And if someone "steals" a friend or a partner away from you, the best revenge is to let them keep them! ;-)

Speaking of friends, there is a common saying that "people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime ". You need to determine which friends are what, sometimes even after they're gone. You'll be surprised at how many friends you make over the years. Cherish them so that they know they're important to you, cut them loose if they don't reciprocate. You're worth only the best!

Don't smoke, you'll regret it. Drink moderately. Don't listen to your friends when it comes to drugs. Or anything for that matter. Ask your mum, I'll tell you the truth.

A letter like this should always end with hope (according to A Knight's Tale, anyway). My hope is that your life is bigger and brighter than my own. I can't protect you from the perils of this life, but I will always love and support you, through anything and everything. As uncool as I am, I will always be honest with you and I will never judge you.
I hope to spend as much time with you as possible, and with advances in technology, that could be longer than expected!

I love you.

Xo Mum

Sunday, February 13, 2011

YOU'RE.....

You're never going to be beautiful
You're never going to have it all
You'll never ever be perfect
Get used to it (Reject)

You're never going to get over that addiction
You're always going to be stuck with that affliction
Your legs and arms will forever be scarred
Your reputation's always going to be marred

You'll never make the grade
Your average looks will inevitably fade
You'll always be that gawky little kid
You'll never make the mark the ones before you did

When are you gonna get it, get it, get it, get it, get it in your head?
Your dreams were gone and dead
Long before you got here.
When are you gonna get it, get it, get it, get it, get it in your mind?
Your potential got left behind
Long before you appeared.

You're never going to be somebody's "One"
You'll never have your day in the sun
You're always going to be left out
You're not the type they'll talk about

Your eyes are pretty but they show you
You'll never be cool enough to know you
You're not quite smart enough to cut it
You'll never be good enough, so fuck it.

When are you gonna get it, get it, get it, get it, get it in your head?
Your dreams were gone and dead
Long before you got here.
When are you gonna get it, get it, get it, get it, get it in your mind?
Your potential got left behind
Long before you appeared.

Your reputation preceeds you
Your self-obsession defeats you
You're one of those optimistic fools
Your mum, at least, thinks you're cool.

When are you gonna get it?
You'll never be more than pathetic.
When are you gonna get it?
Your life's too insignificant to regret it.

When are you gonna get it?
When are you gonna get it?
When are you gonna get it?
When are you gonna get it?
What are you still doing here?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Lately

This depression I've sunk into is shithouse.
I overhauled my life, nothing changed.
I thought I had my relationship sorted, but I'm left guessing most days.
Doctors tell me there's nothing wrong with me physically, despite all of my symptoms.
My finances are in dire straights, even after I've moved to a smaller and cheaper house.
My band is terrific, and its the only thing really working for me atm, although there are small peaks of hope on the horizon.
I need a change, something bigger, something drastic.
I don't want to feel like this any more.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Lately (recommendations)

I've been watching Mad Men lately, loving the differences between life in 1960 and life fifty years on.
I'm also madly in love with Christina Hendricks from her Firefly episodes some years back, so I'm very much enjoying watching her character development in this series.
The whole thing is fascinating, and gripping! I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

One of my dear friends who is my Go-To Music guy, the person. I ask when I want an opinion on all things industry, has asked me to do backup vocals on his next project for one of his bands, and I am so excited and honoured!! I have sung with them before, but never on any recordings, so I am going to work extra hard on just the right notes.
Also, I found out yesterday that The Darlings are playing with The Spitfires (a well-known Perth band, and one of my high school best friend's bands) and a touring band from Adelaide (where I spent my youth) at Ya Ya's next Thursday. Very exciting stuff for only our fifth gig!

We saw Tangled in 3D today, I swear I was just like a kid! Also highly recommended! Even if you're not a kid, you can always enjoy a great kids film, and this one was the best I've seen in a very long time, its up there with Meet The Robinsons, which is a brilliant film, see that one too, if you can.

Finally, my music tastes hve broadened. I've massively fallen in love with Passion Pit, despite my hardest attempts not to. It's probably the happiest music ever! I'm hoping they play it at Ya Ya's next week, being indie music and all!

Ciao for now.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Problems

I'm having a real hard time writing music atm.
Lyrics coming out my ears, sure, but music is swiftly becoming a problem.....

Not quite sure what to do about that. And the pressure is building.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Years Eve

I want to document this because it's easily forgotten.
I do not want to spend another year feeling like this. Afraid all the time. It occurred to me that life goes on, no matter how I think or feel. I need to let go of caring so much about how others perceive me.
Technology got the best of me. I felt useless and clumsy, paranoid and childlike and afraid. Out of control. It made me feel like I was in second grade, unable to name things, incapable of description, wanting to connect but rendered entirely self-absorbed. Needing to make sense of things and terrified. So many childhood themes, but who would want to re-live such a horrible time?! Simple things ike cooking took all of my energy, trips to the bathroom were fraught with danger, the easiest things deluded me. And although there were a few funny moments, a lot of the time it felt like my heart was breaking. Attention span of a four year old, pretty colours and patterns everywhere that frightened me. Convinced of the meaningless of my existence, rambling often, and all the while trying to understand how anyone could accuse me of knowing and executing exactly what I was doing when I was so obviously out of any sembance of control.
And in the end, we washed it all away, got clean, and somehow made it to canning vale to say goodbye to our friend, and with forced conversation started to feel normal again.
I think it's going to take a little longer to feel 100%.
I need to remember what it felt like, so I can relate to my own child. I will speak more softly with her and stroke and cuddle her more often. Being a kid is scary business. Life as an adult is easy work comparatively. At least most things make sense, are understandable, controllable.
I also need to remember so that when I go back to therapy, I will not be so scared. The unknown is worse.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Years Resolutions 2011

Considering making some of these.
Not sure how to go about phrasing them.

Definitely something about more blogging/less social networking.

Sort life out. This includes finances, debts, and not taking out any more loans, not even borrowing a tenner.

Get rid of Inara cat. Keep Kaylee cat.

Get small part-time job somewhere doing something moderately interesting for short periods of time. Make sure not to overdo it ;)

Get rid of all negative ppl. This includes me. Get positive.

Do lots of band stuff. Make things. Release these things. Make more things.

Get body back in working order. Find out if its diabetes and fix.

Love lots, cry less, learn to enjoy quiet, laugh the loudest and the longest.

Find cure for aids, instill world peace, and learn to meditate.

And daring to dream, I want a horsey ride, a hot air balloon trip, a tropical holiday, and nation-wide radio airplay.


Shouldn't be too hard...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lucky

i'm really incredibly lucky, and i wanted to blog about why.

see, my life is quite stressful. i am under quite a bit of stress from day to day.
  • i have a five year old who won't quit.
  • i have a small amount of money deposited into my bank account every two weeks by the government and an ex husband who is not around to help raise said child. (this money does not make raising child any easier, just slightly cheaper for me.)
  • i have an on-again/off-again boyfriend who regularly gets on my nerves, constituting a break-up every so often, resulting in the grim realization that my life is pretty shitty without him, and an amicable resolve of the conflict.
  • i have a mother who is overly-involved with the ins and outs of my life, even though I am approaching 28 years on this planet and have kept myself alive for many of those years.
  • i have a sister i adore but cannot relate to, nor she to me, ending up in some pretty confusing discussions/arguments which are only put aside by our mutual frustrations associated with our moderately overbearing mother.
  • i have three friends i see on a semi-regular basis, one of whom lives next door to me, making me kind of unavoidable, and a bunch of friends i don't seem to see or hear from very often, bar the occasional unsocial socialization of "social networking".
  • i have a backlog of vehicular fines, two family loans (don't try THAT one at home, kids!), the worst phone in history, a tiny one-bedroom apartment i share with two cats and aforementioned five year old (who gets the bedroom, while i sleep on the couch), and a history of anxiety/depression.

but i am lucky. and here's why.

  • i have the loveliest five year old on the planet. she is caring and thoughtful and funny and helpful. she makes me laugh, and hugs me when i cry. (which i do often!)
  • the small amount of money i have allows me to eat, keep a roof over my head, and go see awesome bands from time to time. it also means that doctors and buses are cheaper. (thanks, Centrelink!)
  • i have the best man in the world, who doesn't need me to be his "girlfriend" to love me. no matter what's going on in either of our lives, we're there for each other, we love each other, we support each other, and we have better sex than anyone is having. (trust me.)
  • my mum is there when i need her, and provides incredible services like short-term money lending, babysitting, and a shoulder to cry on. my sister provides the same. and there is never a doubt in my mind that they love me.
  • and when my friends do come out of the woodwork from time to time, we have great catch-ups, and they say nice things about my band, and we laugh and hug and drink and are merry. they also allow me to practice my amateur psychology, which is always a hoot!
And I got to meet my hero once =)

i am lucky. and i am grateful.
<3