On Love And Loss

So many things going through my head. Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year. This relationship has been the most passionate, enriching, comfortable, joyous partnership I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of. I know I'm going to miss it terribly.

Knowing who Vaughn is very early on prepared me for the possibility of things going awry, but being the incredible romance optimist I am, I think I thought that love could conquer all, and overcome all obstacles. In my heart of hearts, I think I still do.

The two of us have both been through heartbreak before, mine a little more recently than Vaughn's. And we both knew the risk we were taking when we fell in love. The possibility of being hurt was in the forefront of our minds when we took that risk, and still we agreed that being together was worth it.

Now I find myself without him, after weeks of trying to find ways around his sudden loss of passion and feeling for everything in his life, including me. Love isn't the issue here. Anyone who has ever seen us together can tell that we adore each other. But his words to me spoke very clearly that something had to be done.

"I desperately want to be able to show you the love and intimacy you're so easily able to show me," he said, "I know it's there, but I just can't find it in me. And that's not fair on you. I'm going to find the strength I need, and then I'll be back."

I hope that's all it will take, but even that is going to be difficult for him. Vaughn, as I have known him, is a man with great strength of character. He sees deeper into people than most, cares a great deal about those with whom he allows himself to get close, and goes to unusual lengths in order to show his affection. He is more than kind - there isn't a nasty bone in his body. He is generous, giving, loyal and thoughtful. He has well-thought-out opinions, and may openly disagree with you, but will never turn it into an argument. He is sweet and funny and easy-going. He truly is the most amazing, beautiful man I have ever known.

He has also spent a lot of his adult life avoiding relationships. This, combined with a general tendency to spend much of his time alone, has meant that being in a long-term relationship has brought him very far out of his comfort zone. And regardless of what being with me has given him, I think it's really taken its toll on him.

While I was listening to the pain he was in over feeling totally inadequate, two things were going through my mind:
*You have the strength to hold this together for the both of you, Angel
and
*Just let me go

I really believe that the second choice was the healthiest. If what we have is strong, time will not break it, nor erode it, nor extinguish it. But to be half of a partnership, you need to be all of yourself, whole, self-sufficient. To be able to give to another, you must have met your own needs first.

So, loving him more deeply than I have ever loved another, I have let him go. My deepest hope is that he'll find himself, and find his way back to me.

I hope.